Fat Phobia

I am fat. I have been fat since I was in fourth grade. I got very thin in medical school mostly from not eating and dieting. The trouble was I could not keep the weight off. I felt like a failure when I gained back the weight. I weighed a whopping 142 pounds! Over the years and through my own therapy I realized I had to love the body that I had. That I was never going to be thin and that my constant rejection of my body would show up in other ways.

Weight Loss Rarely Lasts

What didn’t help was when my doctors would ask me, “have you ever thought about losing weight?” Are you kidding me?! I don’t know any overweight woman who has not thought about losing weight! Even the thin ones want to be thinner! I don’t know any woman who is truly in love with her body. In my practice so many women reject themselves and their bodies. I am also seeing it more now with men than I had in the past. There seems to be an association with thinness and happiness. Most of the doctors I see for any thing will typically counsel me at the end about weight loss. Thankfully, I have learned to tune it out. I know that weight loss only leads to weight gain and usually we add more back each time. I also know that after five years only 2% can keep the weight off. That is the same statistic as surviving pancreatic cancer. Why would I accept a prescription that has a 98% failure rate? A few years ago I had foot pain from what was diagnosed as a “stress reaction.”. The orthopedist told me I would likely improve if I lost weight. Well, that didn’t happen and HUZZAH my foot got better on it’s own. Guess that blew his theory out of the water.

Attacking our bodies is bad for our health

I am not going to pretend that my own negative feelings never come up now and again. What I must do is take on the battle of rejecting myself. This is what I teach my patients. It’s more about attacking myself rather than the actual struggle. When we reject our bodies it can show up as physical illness. It may show up as Lupus or another autoimmune disorder. Which by definition is the body attacking itself. I will teach my patient not to reject herself. Hopefully she will listen rather than believe I am “not on her side.”

Chickens are the best

This is a picture I would have hesitated to post many years ago because it does not depict a flattering image of myself, BUT this is who I am. I am fat and I love my chickens!  

What the world needs now…

When I was quite young (one to be exact) Burt Bacharach composed a song. It was called, “What the World Needs Now is Love Sweet Love.”  It was released on April 15, 1965. Yes, I was born in ’64 which technically makes me a boomer. The song is just beautiful. This morning I was reminded of how much when the students at Boston’s Berkley School of Music posted a virtual edition of this. It moved me to tears. It also got me thinking about how much we do need love right now.

Frontline is not just doctors and nurses

I woke up today had my daily dose of caffeine and did some thinking about how this all feels. I slept good, still feel healthy and can smell and taste food. Ahhh, another day with out this dreadful virus. I have been staying at home except for a grocery run early last week so I am likely OK. I cruised my emails and came across a post from a neighborhood message board. Someone posted how awful it was that a grocery person at our local chain had tested positive for the Coronavirus. She was angry and had some harsh criticism for the market. I find the lack of care and compassion right now hard to take. The grocery workers have put themselves at great risk every day for us. They are not high wage earners and are under tremendous stress.

Compassion needed STAT!

We all need to be compassionate with ourselves, our neighbors and the essential workers on the front lines which extends beyond doctors and nurses. I will try to post a link to the music, but I am so new to this website it may take me a little bit.For now I leave you with a painting I painted in 2014. I rehung it in my kitchen today to remind me that we need love sweet love to get us through this difficult time.

How are you doing?

We are now about two weeks into the COVID-19 Pandemic. Maybe longer but I’m not paying attention to the actual date it was decided this is a pandemic. I am doing this out of self preservation. I try to listen to news once per day and  not too close to when I go to sleep for the night. I have moved my practice to Telehealth and telephone. Thankfully the insurers have agreed to cover both. In the beginning there were some adjustments but it seems to be running quite smoothly.

Homeschooling is not my forte

Taking care of ourselves will be most important as this unfolds. I ordered new visual journals for myself and my son. I will be curious to see what comes out creatively at a time of great anxiety and uncertainty. My son who is 15 is now homeschooling. He told me he is not worried about getting COVID-19 at all. I guess that’s good. I don’t want him to be afraid at such a young age. I do encourage good eating, sleep and exercise for him. He seems pretty happy and we can both still laugh a lot despite the City of Portland stay at home order. I have seen very funny video clips about mother’s who “are not home schooler types.” I would have to say, it is not my forte either. I am lucky he is in high school and can get into his Google classroom on his own. I am also lucky he can help with our chickens.

Start a virtual community

There are many ways to deal with the stress from this strange new way of living. Meditate daily even if it is for ten minutes. Get creative through art, clay or other mediums if you can. Start planning a garden. Exercise outside. Now that temps are in the fifties it feels glorious! Watch movies or shows on Netflix. Start virtual communities for things like knitting. Have a virtual dance party. Staying socially distant doesn’t mean complete isolation. Take good care of yourselves and stay safe!