When People Betray Us

When we let ourselves be vulnerable we do it at the risk of being betrayed.  It happens in friendships and most often in love relationships. Betrayal can show up as an affair, lying and addictions. There are other ways  betrayals can present but I will focus on the bigger ones here today.  

Betrayal is a funny thing. I believe the reaction mimics a grief reaction such as one similar to death. Because with a betrayal,  comes a huge loss.  The relationship that one thought they had has really suffered a death. I have been watching the show Ozark, on Netflix. The episode I just watched is where the daughter wants to go back to Chicago. Her mother intercepts her in St. Louis.  The daughter says she  wants to go  back to her old life.  The mother responds with, “that life no longer exists.”  The characters parents have betrayed her due to their own greed and bad choices.  The daughter suffers the betrayal.  Her old life has died. But so has the relationship she thought she had with her parents.  Can she ever really trust them again?

Betrayal can be too big to overcome.  Sometimes it can be worked through in therapy and other times it cannot.  It is important to talk about it and honor feelings.   I never assume a betrayal is too big for my patients. It is really up to her to decide what she can or cannot live with.

Losing Your Creative Fire aka as The Little Match Girl

In an effort to be more creative I decided to write in a purple ink and change up my font. Last week one of my patients told me I wear a lot of purple. I was surprised.  I guess she sees something I hadn’t myself.  What was she seeing in me? Something creative?   As women it is important we remain creative in our lives otherwise we can die.  Not physically but emotionally.  Women who are involved in relationships whether it be friends or lovers must never stay if those people try to “put out” her creative fire. It may sound extreme, but it is reality. The reason it has to happen is her life can depend on it. If her psyche dies, it will not be long before her physical body will break down.   In the story of the little Match Girl,  she dies from living in fantasy rather than figuring out how to warm herself. Her creative energy dies.  She also dies in the cold but the important piece is she loses herself in fantasy rather than warming herself.  Something that would have saved her life.  One part of the version I read is that no one will help her.  She accepts less than she deserves.   Many times a woman in “bad” relationships will “ warm”  herself with a fantasy that she  is in  a good relationship.  However, she may be put down, told her dreams are unimportant or  held back financially by her partner.

If I stay with  a partner who puts down my creative efforts, because of his insecurities,  than I am in a sense allowing myself to freeze in the cold.  It is not his fault he is insecure, but it is mine for allowing him to be unkind.  In my office, frequently, women will blast the men and women of their failed relationships.  I tell them it is ok to be angry at them, but lets also look at why you stayed, which is of far more importance (to understand) for their emotional growth.

It s hard when we discover we may be “a little match girl.” However, it’s what we do with the information that matters the most.